When the Pursuit of "Better" Keeps You From Feeling Like You’re Enough
We live in a culture that puts entirely too much emphasis on milestones. We are taught to chase the next big thing: The good grades, the dream job, the perfect relationship, the fitter physique, the ever-elusive "better" version of ourselves. This constant striving can feel like a noble pursuit, as it is often rewarded by society. But what happens when this pursuit becomes endless, leaving us perpetually out of breath and never quite satisfied?
This way of living conditions us to believe that our current state is inherently insufficient. We become so focused on where we should be that we fail to appreciate who and where we are right now. Common signs of perfectionism include fear of failure/shame, being highly self-critical, chronic overworking, and procrastination. This can lead to anxiety, unfulfillment, stuckness, and disconnect.
What is emotionally driving this endless pursuit?
There is a part of you that learned to strive for perfection in order to protect you from feeling something – perhaps shame, inadequacy, or unworthiness. Somewhere along the way, you developed the belief that the only way to feel safe and loved was to be perfect. The strive for perfection became your new normal. The reality is you can be enough just by being you and you can make the right people happy just by being you.
Why change this pattern of perfectionism?
Frequent disappointment: Because perfection doesn’t exist. The cycle of perfection is never ending - strive, achieve, keep striving, I’ll be happy when I reach X, then I’ll be happy when I reach Y. This blocks us from feeling self-love and happiness.
Perfectionism is a paradox: The strive to be perfect can lead to anxiety, depression, and burn out. We become our own harshest critics, constantly nitpicking our imperfections and overlooking our strengths. The very act of striving for perfection becomes the enemy of contentment.
When we avoid vulnerability, we suffer: Perfectionism is trying to run away from difficult feelings. We may numb emotions, seek control so we don’t have to deal with uncertainty, try to make everything perfect and abandon ourselves and relationships in the process. This often makes people feel stuck.
Perfectionism is a cycle: Chronic overachievement/perfectionism may feel rewarding for the moment which makes you continue to strive, continue to run from shame.
It keeps us from feeling like enough: When we free ourselves from perfectionism, we can experience love, be more creative, take risks, play/have fun, be ourselves, and grow.
It hinders real connection: Think of the people you love and admire the most. What is it about them? Chances are, it’s not their grades, promotions, how fit they are etc. Our quirks and imperfections can be a form of self-disclosure, letting people get to know the real you. They foster and deepen connection.
“There is nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”
– Unknown“In order to fully inhabit the only life we ever get, we have to stop using every spare hour for personal growth.”
– Oliver Burkeman
What is underneath perfectionism?
Shame is both an attack on the self and a protective defense. It feeds you the belief that some part of you is defective or bad, and unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is often reactive and unconscious, driving behaviors such as:
Negative self-talk
Over-apologizing
Excessive blame on others/avoiding taking responsibility
Rage
Avoiding vulnerability/hiding
“I should…”
Comparison
Perfectionism and control
Over-functioning or under-functioning
Shame prevents you from seeing yourself accurately, thinking rationally, connecting deeply, letting people in fully, and blocks growth. As Brene Brown states, “When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver.” People often turn to the socially-acceptable response of perfectionism, thinking, well if I appear perfect then maybe I won’t feel shame. It’s a part of yourself that is trying to protect you.
Here is a truth that often gets lost in the noise: You are enough, right now, in this very moment. Take this as an invitation to create a new type of relationship with yourself. Noticing your inherent value doesn’t mean abandoning growth. Imagine stepping off that relentless treadmill, just for a moment. What are the unique qualities that make you, you? Embracing these will lead to the deepest relationships. Growth can come from a place of wholeness, not from a belief that you are lacking.
Instead of perfection, the goal is getting to know your authentic self, loving that self the way you deserve to be loved, to stop hiding parts of yourself, and let yourself be fully seen.
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