Double the Love, Half the Sleep: Reflections from Twin Maternity Leave
I’ve spent countless sessions helping my clients navigate life’s biggest transitions, offering tools for tolerating discomfort and teaching mindfulness. Then, I had my beloved twin boys and life decided it was time for me to put this into practice myself.
My goal is to share some reflections on my beautiful and chaotic reality of life with two newborns. Between early labor, a stay in the NICU, and 4 months of sleep deprivation, I quickly learned to take everything one moment at a time.
Having twins is like an extreme sport. As my friend, brilliant stand-up comedian and fellow twin mom puts it:
We had twins and everyone’s reaction was wow, you killed two birds with one stone, nice. You must not have spent a lot of time around twins to think that’d be possible to accomplish anything with one of something. If we’re going to kill two birds, we’re going to need two stones. And they better be the exact same shape and size. With one stone, we risk being stoned by them.
With twins, we really need two of everything. Everyday is a double charge on the Amex. But there’s no fraud. We’re like two birds, one loan.
– Caroline Hershey
Flexibility isn’t just a nice-to-have, it’s a survival requirement
There is a high chance, nearly a guarantee, that things will not go as planned. When you’re in survival mode, the goal is simply endurance. To keep my head above water, I had to adopt three non-negotiables:
Meeting myself where I’m at: This is the ultimate act of non-judgmental awareness. It’s the opposite of 'should-ing' on yourself. In the context of my twins, it meant that if the plan was a nutritious home-cooked meal but the reality was two babies crying and zero sleep, I had to adapt to eating cereal for dinner and use the hour for sleep. In therapy, we often talk about the window of tolerance. Some days your window is wide, where you can handle a lot without emotionally drowning because you are operating from a grounded nervous system. Other days, like after a night of twin-induced sleep deprivation, your window is small. Meeting yourself where you’re at means knowing your window and deciding whether to pause. I worked on remaining aware of my window.
Weekly check-ins are a must: Parenting twins is a constant exercise in balancing acceptance and change. My husband and I set aside time for check-ins to look at the data of our week. We had to accept the current reality of growth spurts, sleep regressions, and changes in feeds, while simultaneously working to edit our approaches and division of labor for better flow. This allowed us to see what was working and what wasn't, giving us an opportunity to pivot with intention rather than reacting out of exhaustion.
Radical acceptance is a regulator: Sleep deprivation changes the landscape of your mind. It thins your patience, clouds your memory, and turns up the volume on every noise. I learned to accept the physical toll: the nausea from exhaustion and the bags under my eyes that had bags of their own. I accepted the chaos – the sleep regressions, the twin who wakes the other one, and the fact that a good night is often followed by a disaster of a night. Most importantly, I accepted that my to-do list had to wait. There would be a different season for hustling and hitting big goals, but at that moment, the goal was breathing.
Say yes to help
No one was joking when they said it takes a village. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without my husband, parents, aunt, cousin, siblings, and friends. When someone asks, "What can I do?", don’t give them the polite response. Give them the honest one. Let them bring food, fold the mountain of tiny laundry, or hold a baby while you take a shower that feels like a spa retreat.
My fellow twin mom friends are my lifeline
They are the ones who understand that "double the love" also means double the logistics and half the sleep. Going through this raw experience alongside others is beautiful. These are the women who will text you back at 3:00 AM and remind you that you’re doing a great job even when you feel like you’re barely treading water. Lean into these people. Isolation is what fuels distress; connection is what fuels resilience.
Many dialectics arise
As my leave came to an end, I felt two seemingly opposing things at once. I grieved the end of the intense baby bubble, while simultaneously celebrating the return to the work I love. These two feelings can and do exist in the same space.
Comparison is a trap
In a strange way, having preemies was a blessing in disguise. Because they have an adjusted age, the typical growth charts and percentiles didn’t apply to them. They are not expected to hit milestones on a rigid timeline, which gives us the breathing room to just let them be.
Even as twins, they have had different trajectories and paces. It’s been a constant reminder that every baby is a world unto themselves. Their needs are different, their temperaments are unique, and what works for one rarely works for the other. This journey is deeply personal. The takeaway: do what is best for you, your children, and your family, and let the rest go.
The identity crisis is real
I spent months in the newborn bubble – double feedings, synchronized naps, and a sea of diapers. Stepping back into a professional role was a significant shift. It took time to reconcile my work self with my new twin parent self. For those who can relate to this adjustment, whether it be for twins or one baby, we aren't returning to our former selves. We are reconstructing a new identity. We are figuring out a way to merge all that we are. There’s a rebalancing that had to happen in motherhood.
If you’re currently in your own version of the trenches – whether it’s parenthood, a career shift, or a season of grief, I hope you can find one small way to meet yourself where you’re at today. Accept the dialectic that life can be both exhausting and exquisite at the same moment.
To my clients, old and new: I’m so happy to be back and I’m more committed than ever to the messy, non-linear process of being human. We aren’t aiming for perfection here – we’re aiming to embrace our humanity, sit with and navigate the nuances of life, and be our best selves.
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