As two DBT therapists practicing independently, we share a passion for empowering adults to bring Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills into everyday life. Whether you are navigating workplace burnout, relationship stress, or just the daily grind, DBT skills aren't just for crisis moments. They offer a practical, grounded framework to help you respond adaptively and confidently.
In DBT, there are three states of mind:
The Emotion Mind: the emotion is in control. When you are operating from this state of mind, you want to act right now based purely on the feeling.
The Reasoning Mind: strictly logic, facts, and optimization. It may be useful for certain tasks like making a grocery list, but it disregards your emotions.
The Wise Mind: a blend of the two. It takes your feelings into consideration but doesn’t let them run the show. It checks the actual facts, it is intuitive, and it recognizes the consequences.
Below, we’re stepping through a typical, stressful Tuesday to see what happens when Emotion Mind (E) or Reasonable Mind (R) are in control, and how inviting Wise Mind (W) into the conversation changes everything.
8am: You’re stuck in traffic on the way to work
E: Pounds on steering wheel, horn, I can’t believe that I’m late AGAIN. They’re never going to believe me! This is INSANE. There’s no point in me going in!!! Why won’t they let me work remotely? Why is there so much traffic? I wonder what is happening - are we under attack? Maybe I SHOULD turn around and stay home!
R: Hmmm, the ETA is going up. The bars on Waze are red. I must search other routes. Since those also seem red, perhaps I can choose another way. Ways to work: A) Walk: 2 hrs 20 mins, B) Cab/Uber: Unavailable, C) Public Transportation: 2 hrs 15 mins. Time for me to figure out a formula to combine A and C. I can either optimize for time or distance walking. Calculating…
E: Oh, you’re going to derive a formula, even though you failed high school algebra TWICE? Sure thing, honey. Might as well just go home.
R: Calculating…there must be some formula…
W: Let’s look at what is on our calendar. If I do not, in fact, need to lead anything in that first meeting today, perhaps I can miss the meeting. Also, let’s zoom out a little: is it possible that others on my team will be late, as they are in the same traffic? If so, maybe my boss will be a little more lenient with me. Parks car, turns on favorite music, and walks to the subway line. Begins typing email to boss. Sees email from team that others are late. Sigh of relief.
11am: Your relative calls about the holidays asking you to arrive early to help set up and asks you to bring few dishes
R: What do I need to buy for those ingredients in the appetizer? How about cookies? Do I have any other commitments that day - can I start an hour earlier?
E: Now that I think about it, my family is actually putting SO much more on me than they do on my sister!!! And asking me to arrive an hour earlier - is this because I was late last year? And why call me during my work day?!?!!! Don’t you know that I WORK???? Especially after I’d JUST calmed down from this morning.
R: They simply asked if you would make an appetizer and a batch of cookies. I believe that you are reading too much into the time question.
E: Well, I think that YOU don’t read into things ENOUGH!! You have to protect yourself and read between the lines sometimes.
W: Whether or not there is something in between the lines to be read, perhaps we should focus on the facts for now. Do we have the time, yes, and will we have the bandwidth? If so, we do care about our role in the family, and perhaps it’s time for a “yes,” regardless of other’s intentions.
2pm: An unexpected meeting invitation appears on your calendar
E: Oh no. This is it. I’m getting fired. Also, how am I going to fit another meeting into my crazy list of tasks today! My chest is tight and my stomach is in knots. I need to figure out what I did wrong right now, or call out sick so I don't have to face this!
R: Panicking is irrational. Check-ins are standard corporate protocol. Log into the portal and audit everything from the last 30 days. As far as timing, we will have to pause other projects to accommodate this shift. Your emotional reaction is irrelevant and should be ignored so we can stay focused.
W: May I suggest –
E: I can't concentrate on anything else today, let's just spend the next three hours anticipating what will happen in this meeting!!!
W: Let's look at the facts: we have no evidence of bad news and at the same time it’s uncomfortable sitting in uncertainty. Let's send a polite, brief note asking if there's anything specific to bring, take five paced deep breaths, do a mental grounding exercise, and get back to our work - focusing on what is right in front of us. No need to start an audit just yet.
3pm: You receive a vague text from someone you’ve been seeing
E: Oh god. It’s over. My stomach just dropped. I knew things were too good to be true. Maybe I should text and ask what this is about. How about I just end it first to avoid feeling rejected.
R: Your sudden heart rate spike and distress are inefficient noise that should be disregarded.
E: Disregarded?! My heart is literally pounding out of my chest! How am I supposed to sit here and focus on work? [frantically looks back through text messages] They seemed slightly distant on Tuesday! I should have known.
R: But spiraling about the outcome provides zero analytical value. Suppress the panic, file the text away, and resume baseline productivity. Also, we have not established a formal exclusivity agreement, so any shift in relationship status simply represents a realignment of prospective dating outcomes - so there is no reason to feel upset.
W: Let's slow down and avoid assumptions. Emotion Mind, it is completely understandable to feel that sudden wave of fear and vulnerability. But letting this feeling run the show isn’t going to lead to the outcome we want nor will it protect our heart. Reasoning Mind, how we feel is important in determining what we need in a relationship. Also, dismissing anxiety doesn't help us soothe it. Let's look at the reality: we have no context yet. We can acknowledge our anxiety, do a quick somatic reset to lower our heart rate, and send a simple, grounded response. Then, we return to our day.
6pm: You get home from work
E: I am exhausted and overwhelmed!!! Today was a NIGHTMARE!!! Since I have no energy, let’s order in and scroll on TikTok for the next 4 hours. And I swear, if anyone tries to unload their bad day on me right now, I’m going to snap.
R: That is inefficient and unproductive. Evening protocol requires: 30 minutes at the gym, cooking a balanced dinner, meal prepping for tomorrow, deep cleaning the kitchen, and clearing all unread messages before 9:00 PM. I set these goals and I must achieve them daily.
W: What you are feeling is important. This rigid routine will burn us out and complete numbing will leave us feeling sluggish and low. Let’s find the middle path. Put on some music, take a shower, do a light stretch, make a simple dinner, and allow down time. We can get things done without completely abandoning ourselves. We can focus on self-improvement and self-acceptance at the same time.
10pm: Bedtime
E: I can’t stop replaying everything that happened today. And that weird text earlier - what if they’re going to pull away completely? I’m exhausted, but my brain won't shut off. What if I can't sleep and tomorrow is an absolute disaster too?!
R: Sleep is a biologically non-negotiable task that is necessary for a high-level performance tomorrow. Terminate thoughts immediately and execute sleep.
E: Terminate thoughts?! I can't just press a button and shut them off! You commanding me to go to sleep is making me panic even more! Now I'm staring at the clock counting down how many hours of sleep I'm losing!
W: Let's pause. Emotion Mind, what you’re feeling is important and we will address it. Reasonable Mind, you are right that we need rest. We cannot force sleep, but we can invite rest. Let's use our skills here: practice Radical Acceptance that today is over and we can't solve tomorrow's problems at 10 PM. Let's practice noticing these intrusive thoughts like leaves floating down a stream, letting them pass without clinging to them. Stay away from judgmental labels of how today was and how tomorrow is going to go. Do a gentle progressive muscle relaxation, focus on the physical sensation of the heavy blankets, and give ourselves permission to simply rest.
How These States Shaped Your Day
If Emotion Mind took the wheel: Your day becomes run by emotions. You react impulsively - pounding the steering wheel, picking fights over family holiday texts, spiraling over work and dating uncertainties in the afternoon, and numbing out with social media before ruminating in bed.
The result: Exhaustion, strained relationships, and starting tomorrow already overwhelmed.
If Reasonable Mind takes the wheel: Your day is determined by cold calculations and emotional suppression. You dismiss your emotions and treat human connections in a cold, robotic way. You demand strict adherence to rigid routines at your own expense.
The result: Deep inner tension, strained relationships, wasted cognitive effort, and burnout from treating yourself like a machine.
When Wise Mind guides you: You acknowledge the real physical and emotional toll of the day without letting fear dictate your actions. You check the facts and listen to your body. You adapt to unexpected disruptions with flexible problem-solving - parking to walk to a subway, asking clarifying questions on vague texts, choosing a middle-ground evening routine, and practicing Radical Acceptance at bedtime to invite true rest.
The result: You feel grounded, you remain flexibility in balancing priorities, and you are able to navigate life's inevitable curveballs while remaining connected to yourself and others.
The key takeaway is there’s always a way to reconnect with your Wise Mind. The next time you are in one of these states of mind, take a breath and ask yourself: What would my Wise Mind say right now? Simply noticing where you are without judgment is the very first step toward inviting your Wise Mind back to the table.
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